Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

It’s his time