“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Real 😅
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
New favorite tiktok
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep