“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
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omg leave her alone
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
$3 #books
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
how high up are we talkin’?
