Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert