“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
you gotta be faster
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice