Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

My time has come.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

reduce, reuse, recycle

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball