Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

They should make a moral fiber supplement

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Your secret is safeish with me

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper