“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
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“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Rt to bother an English speaker
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.