Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

S M O L

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.