Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.