Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
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Alexa, make me look good naked.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….