Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

How dramatic are you?

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?