Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
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I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me too door. Me too.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.