I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.