Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.