Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s classic.

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting