Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
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Don’t we all.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”