Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
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4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.