Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
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MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Your proctologist called. He found your head.