Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Seek kebab; not attention
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
God tier horse name today on the sims
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.