Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Snapes on a plane.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Called it
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.