Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

Ooops wrong house😂😜

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.