Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
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There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Lol
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn