“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
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6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
There is no “we” in pizza
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?