Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

*serious situation*

My brain:

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.