“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
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I love art.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.