Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.