Would you wear it?
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Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets