Would you wear it?
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
The Book. The Movie.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
never ask a starfish for directions
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming