Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
the noise i just made
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog