Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

i think my razor is having a panic attack

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water