Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!