-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Waiting for the Charmin
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
This has made my week.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?