Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

“You drive, I’m tired.”

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

Just did a big green poo by a canal

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”