Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
wtf
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
