What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.