Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

#DesignFail

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.