Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?