Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
No, he would not have.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I’m about to risk it all
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt