Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?