Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
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My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”