‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
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good morning
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
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HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh