‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this