‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
You Might Also Like
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
rise and shine we got egg
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”