@PopShakespeare

Wouldst the genuine Slim Shady kindly arise?

You Might Also Like

@daddydoubts

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

@fanofhell

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

@ArfMeasures

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

@JesseWeller

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

@BestScienceJoke

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

@WheelTod

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

@roxiqt

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

@TheLeslieMommy

At Walmart checkout other day:
Cashier: “you have a dog?” (Scanning dog food.)
Hubz: no, our kid needs protein
Cashier:
Hubz:
Me: dying