Wouldst the genuine Slim Shady kindly arise?

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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.


*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*


ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you


Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.


The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.


A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.


Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.


At Walmart checkout other day:
Cashier: “you have a dog?” (Scanning dog food.)
Hubz: no, our kid needs protein
Me: dying