@PopShakespeare

Wouldst the genuine Slim Shady kindly arise?

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@myonlymizztake

My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

@haleyyyy1711

Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear.

@sweetg35

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

@Ten_Toes_7

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

@realbjdunne

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

@jilleb163

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

@markleidner

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

@karanbirtinna

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

@yab_kat

Me: I have a question about this time travel machine I bought from you guys

Him: Sir, we don’t sell time travel machines

me: not yet