Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

So inspired right now.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.