would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*