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Guantanamo Bae
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength