Wow 🤣
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I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
This is hilarious….
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
new career option?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
No flush
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I can’t stop watching this.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore