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When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I just tested negative for patience.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.