Wow 🤣
You Might Also Like
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey