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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)