Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

🙂🙃🥹

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

First I was a pebble..

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work