Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
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me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
You saw nothing. I am ham.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Hit me in the face with a bird
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I thought this was funny lol
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.