wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
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The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
He-man has a Masters degree
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I wish this was real life…
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.