“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.