“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
For anyone who needs this today
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.