“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
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Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah