“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
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.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.