Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
You Might Also Like
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
This seems like peak sibling energy
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
