Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
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I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
…u ok Nintendo?
multitasking lunch
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Livid.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Money is the root of all wealth
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!