3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Fight