Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Not all heroes wear capes…

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”