Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

Bike for sale

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”