Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

My ideal weight is five million dollars

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.