Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
😭😭😭😭
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was