Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
This could’ve been an email.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”