Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.