“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Cats are still liquid.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.