Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.

He left it at home.

He’s texting his wife.

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly