“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Liquor Store Parking
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.